Immemorial Musing

I’m so tired of feeling guilty. I always feel like I’m not good enough, and that I’m disappointing everyone.

Guilt is always there. It’s always in my mind, taking something over.

I hate expectations. Family, friends, classmates, teachers, adults, authority, even myself. It feels like I’ll never be anything, let alone “enough”.

Recently when I try to fight feelings of guilt, it immediately goes straight down, much deeper into my mind. It spirals to a place that I’m reluctant to talk about, but here I feel confident in sharing my thoughts. It just may sound a bit too serious, just as a warning.

I don’t “do” anything. Since I graduated college, I have not pursued work. For a very long time now, I have not been able to see myself in any job. Obviously, at least it probably is if you’ve been here before, this is partly due to my anxiety just from thinking about it. But, there’s another reason. The darker reason.

I just can’t see the point in anything.

I’m feeling a lot of guilt right now writing this. I lost motivation a long, long time ago for things. What’s the point? What drives some people to be big-time businesspeople or lifechanging people like doctors? I’m sorry but I can’t believe it’s not for money. Some people say they enjoy their work and are passionate about it, but I just can’t understand that.

Okay so, that wasn’t even the darker reason yet. I already expanded on something before saying the main thought I’ve been having more than ever.

This thought is: frankly, I didn’t ask for any of this.

We don’t ask for life. We didn’t ask to be born. Why do I have to force myself to do things when my parents were the ones that decided to give me life? Why do I even have to do anything?

Just writing this is making me nervous. I’m already feeling really bad. I feel so bad for people that really struggle, like life dealt them a terrible hand.

My family supports me, they don’t pressure me. They have expectations, and they certainly had a lot of them and some pressure added when I was younger, but now they still support me, and I can’t be anything but grateful for that. But it also makes me feel terrible. I feel selfish, undeserving, worthless.

This is an absolutely bitter place to end this on, but I just lost energy for now. I guess the bright side of what I’ve said so far is I did actually graduate college, but that’s an entire deep dive in of itself.

-Immemorial Musing