Immemorial Musing

I have so many different anxieties. I have trauma and triggers that still affect me.

My mind is a war zone. Constant conflict, battles between sides, and insecurities everywhere.

…so is it really so bad that I’m not working?

Work has genuinely been the worst, most unfathomable thing in my life.

I still have never found motivation. I still don’t believe I can do it. I still feel worthless when thinking of that previous question. The guilt still piles up, and it’s to the point that I’m suffocating by it.

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This is an unusual time to bring this update, but I told a girl that I liked her a few days ago.

I’ve been thinking about it for almost two years now: if I actually like her that way, if the pressure from my friends is forcing it (as she is a friend of a friend), and if I am even worth it.

I got to the tipping point and I finally said something to her when it was just us after a long day at a fair with all of our friends.

I wanted to say it in person, as I have been on the receiving end of multiple breakups through text. It’s not the same situation, but I’ve learned how important it is to express things face to face.

It was difficult, I was (and am) unsure of myself, but it went well. She and I talked for another hour after that, even after a twelve-hour day. We have started just casually texting now.

I brought this up because it is a huge update on myself, but also because I have emotionally grown so much more than I thought. For the first time in my life, I feel mature in some way.

However, just emotionally. I don’t feel mature in so many other ways still…one of those ways being “adulting”.

As I’ve said multiple times here now, I’m just not sure what’s ever going to motivate me.

-Immemorial Musing