Immemorial Musing

It’s been quite a while yet again. It’s becoming harder and harder to actually sit and think.

For a personal update first, I had my first date with the girl I mentioned in my last post. It went well.

But this post, unfortunately, is mainly about serious topics and deep feelings.

I feel like my life’s problems can be summed up in one paragraph:

My views on life and the world are separating from my parents as I grow, both in age and as a person. I have always been, and still am, intimidated by people, even as I am getting older. I am still unmotivated to do any kind of work, even for fun or creative purposes. I’m fully dependent on my family, but my relationship with them is getting more strained, even though it was already permanently fractured to begin with. All of these things, combined with ten years of suicidal depression and daily nihilism, make me even more lost with life, and as close to fully lacking confidence as possible.

I feel like my parents would disown the real me. I’m not some kind of rebel or troublemaker, quite the opposite actually, but just from my hypothetical scenario of them hearing my views fully.

I would be homeless without them.

I still couldn’t imagine that I’d be motivated and capable enough to survive.

What kind of insane and psychologically dangerous life is this? I’m lethally dependent on the very people that I blame for my lifelong suffering and trauma.

They support me. There are many times where I hate them, but they don’t care about having to support me. They care more about my life than I do.

But at the same time, when they talk about world topics and certain views (the one word I try to not say no matter what: politics), I bite my tongue so hard that it’s almost literal, and they drive me crazy. I feel like they’re so backwards, and my empathy spirals out of control. I genuinely don’t know how I’m their son, or even a member of this entire family. I feel so different, like I don’t belong.

I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.

…

After my last relationship, I realized that I should be more mentally stable, and like myself more, before pursuing another relationship.

Now this is the time where I reveal that I am, surprisingly, not suicidal. For the first time in many years, I’m not plagued with thoughts like “what’s the point?” in my head constantly. I’m nowhere near “healed”, but I’m surprised at how far I’ve come since starting therapy and prescriptions.

So, with this date I went on and how good I feel about her, I can’t help but feel like she’ll be disappointed in the real me.

I don’t know if I’ll ever work, and especially if I’ll ever be happy while working. I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle adult life, and being able to do things myself. I don’t know if I’ll be able to connect with her family eventually, and be social enough to do my part in the relationship.

The only thing I do know is that I’m scared. Scared, unsure, and insecure.

-Immemorial Musing