Immemorial Musing

It has been five years since I started therapy.

Five years ago, I was, coincidentally, five years into my life-altering depression, and had just broken down.

I felt stuck, I felt alone, and I felt hopeless.

Then I started seeing a therapist.

Things started very, very slowly. We did things like going through my life story, mindfulness exercises, and thinking through what makes me, well, me.

I wasn’t sure what to think of any of it.

Over time, things were changing in my life, I switched majors to finally get out of the one that was torturing me, I started a new relationship, and I got very dedicated to a new hobby.

Then, my therapist changed locations.

I still saw her, it just was a new building. We went from a small cottage-like building that felt like a home, to a large medical building with dozens of stereotypical therapy rooms.

This became a very sharp turn in our work…for the better.

Surprisingly, between the years we already had and now a new location, I shifted almost completely and started to open up entirely.

I started to actually pick up on things now. I became aware of different types of thoughts that would take over me, and different triggers that had different effects on me.

I talked about things that no one knows about me.

Therapy became a sort of outlet, even more than therapy probably is for most people. It was a place to explore feelings that I don’t let myself express normally, and also a place to uncover things that have been buried for years.

I felt excited for therapy every week. It became much more than sharing what the past week was like and talking through the feelings I had. It became special.

It became a type of relationship I have never had before.

I do not mean romantically, in case you’re thinking that. I can’t even describe what I do mean actually. Well, that might be obvious, since I said I have never felt like this before.

It was sort of like gaining another consciousness, like my mind itself had a friend now.

However, as I am saying this in the past tense, my time with my therapist may be coming to an end.

I had not seen her in almost two months due to financial difficulties. This past week was the first session since that break, and it felt hollow now.

Between the break and looming issues, I’m not sure what to do. From what we talked about this past session, it seems to be either: go back to a consistent schedule, or…termination of this arrangement.

I will most likely write a follow up post for what happens, but now I have one last thought to get out.

… so was all of this, to a degree, not real?

Obviously a therapist cares about their patients, and builds a strong bond with them.

But, if there’s no more payment, do therapists never have any contact with their patients ever again?

Would they check up on them? Would they respond if a former patient reached out? Would they even be allowed to respond?

During this break from therapy, I’ve been thinking this over often.

I wonder if I’ll ever see or hear from my therapist ever again.

-Immemorial Musing