Immemorial Musing

It’s been ten years. 10.

Ten years since I began questioning life. Ten years since I started to just go through the motions. Ten years since I felt the life drain out of me.

There are memories that I look back on fondly, but then I remember what was happening behind the scenes. I was falling apart more and more. 

After all this time, I’ve realized that it’s not something that’ll “get better”, it’s just a part of me. It’s who I am.

I’ve grown tired of hiding things. Between not understanding myself and not understanding other people, I can’t bottle anything else up. And for me, “not hiding things” means “saying pretty much everything on my mind”.

I hate having depression. I hate having anxiety.

I really hate having OCD, which I have actually had for my entire life. It’s like every type of thought is happening all at the same time constantly. Anxious, excited, angry, anticipatory, paranoid.

I hate being so empathetic. It’s like I can’t be my own person, and instead I’m just clay. I’m molded into something different every time I’m t a new environment.

I feel like no one knows the real me, but it’s because I don’t know the real me.

It’s been ten years of experience, but it’s really been a lot longer.

-Immemorial Musing