Immemorial Musing

This is going to be the most personal and revealing post I have written.

I’m not even sure if I should be posting something like this, but I need to express myself in some way, and Immemorial Musing is meant for expressing myself mind.

I have been tormented by familial pain for my entire life. It has affected me in probably every way possible. Every time this anxiety shows up again, I think it’s the tipping point. As a result, my blood has been boiling constantly over these feelings.

Tonight, I wrote down my feelings during this type of incident, and I actually wanted to send it in my family’s group text. I’m completely unable to talk about it to my family verbally to the point that it’s physically impossible, so I just need to get it out somehow. I could not bring myself to send it.

So I’m going to show it here.

It is very brutally honest, even “scathing” as my friend put it when I showed it to him. As I said earlier, I need to finally express it somewhere. I have written about my own personal struggles to my friends and family, but not this.

Just to reiterate, it is very brutal from beginning to end, and it is very depressing, but everything I wrote is truly how I feel.

My message to my parents, more so my dad:

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“You know, I used to pray that you two would divorce. Yes, I actually used to sit in my room when I was as young as 10 years old and pray to god that you two would just divorce already. When those prayers weren’t answered, and everyone else started dying too, I didn’t believe in god anymore.

Everything you know me for, everything I did with you guys, all of my “accomplishments”, the person and son you know me as, that’s all a lie. It’s always been a lie. I didn’t care about anything. I just didn’t want to feel like a disappointment because I don’t care about anything. Life has already been disappointing in every way, and it always will be.

You two suck. I can’t take it anymore. Again, as young as something like 10, I just pictured yelling back at dad and yelling at you two to just separate. In my age now, all I picture is just being violent, because in this house, that seems like the last thing left to make a difference, since words never do.

If you two think you have a good or even decent marriage, then that’s sad. That just means marriage is a mistake. Because of you two, I never want to get married. I haven’t wanted to get married for years now, and I especially will never have kids. You ruined that for me.

And dad, yes it is your fault. I don’t care what the reason is, I don’t care who is right or wrong, but people don’t do what you did for over 20 years. You don’t scream at the top of your lungs at your spouse that you hate them and to shut up. You don’t make every single car ride and road trip an absolute nightmare that scars your kid for his whole life. What you did permanently damaged me during my childhood development, and for the rest of my life. And guess what, if you say that now you look like the bad guy, then news flash: You are the bad guy.

Why would you get upset that your kids want to be alone when their dad is yelling louder than anything they’ve heard before? 

I’ve always been afraid of you because of everything, as a kid I only saw you for your voice, a thing that could snap at any moment. I’ve always been afraid to talk to you. Even now I still can’t, which is why I’ve never said anything, and also why I’m forcing myself to say it this way.

But I guess all of this just means you both are at fault. I don’t care how sad or upset this makes either of you feel anymore, if I don’t get this out then I really will get violent. You can blow up about it, go ahead. I’ve already blown up about it in my own head enough for ten lifetimes.

I hate my life, that’s the truth. It never was a lie, just a phrase that’s thrown around too much here. I hate myself, at this point I even hate myself for still being alive. I’m useless, and it’s impossible to feel any other way in this house. You’ve made me lose faith in marriage, religion, and life.

And if you really can’t see any of that, and if you’ve never been able to see that, you’re delusional.”

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I already feel the need to apologize, as that was probably very difficult to read. Again, I’m not sure if this is a good idea, or a terrible one.

Thank you for your time today. I always appreciate it, but this is the deepest I may ever go here.

-Immemorial Musing