Immemorial Musing

I’ve always had this innate feeling to “be somebody”.

I’m not sure exactly what it is, but this desire has been with me for as long as I can remember.

I’ve had my share of dreams, the kind where kids want to be astronauts.

However, I learned over time that those dreams of mine were real, and I felt that I needed to have those dreams be real to feel good about my life.

Long story short, I didn’t achieve those dreams.

I’m not an athlete, a musician, a writer, a game developer, or an artist.

Even as a kid, I would daydream about being on stage performing a song. In my adult life, I’ve daydreamed about being one of the most famous creative minds ever.

First of all, to get it out of the way, I have extreme stage fright, so that has always felt sadly ironic.

But, the sad truth of it all is, I feel like I never really pursued anything.

Yes, I’ve tried to play instruments. Yes, I played sports as a kid, and until I got to college. Yes, I took art classes in high school. Yes, I made Immemorial Musing to finally be able to write anything that flows out of my mind.

But nothing stuck. I didn’t have the patience. I don’t have the energy to put in the work. It even makes me feel like I don’t really care.

If I really wanted it, wouldn’t I put in the effort?

If it’s the only thing I want to do, shouldn’t I be able to force myself to do it?

I don’t know.

Somehow, I’m still here, much older than a kid, and still wishing I was somebody.

This is the first time that I actually want to keep writing, instead of just running out of gas.

-Immemorial Musing

…

……

You know what, let’s keep going.

This is one of the most powerful feelings at my core.

I’ve always wanted to be somebody.

It makes me feel like I’m nobody.

What’s my impact on the world?

Is that really what I want?

To have an impact on the world?

No, that doesn’t feel right exactly.

Is it…to not be forgotten?

It’s just the nature of the universe to eventually be forgotten. Only a handful of names, comparatively, are still remembered throughout all of humanity.

What am I trying to do?

All of this thinking could be for nothing, as in it’s just about wanting to do something I love.

But I wouldn’t be here writing this if it was that simple.

I want to create things.

I want my name to be known.

I want praise.

Isn’t that just natural?

Isn’t that human?

It feels weird to say I feel human.

Going back a bit, I’ve always wished I could just think something and it would be real.

When I was a kid, I would try to invent things. Just messing around with some toys and some buttons like a kid would. But when I would try to get it to work, it wouldn’t, and I still remember how sad I felt in that moment.

I guess what I mean is I just wish things were easier. Everything is so complicated, and nowadays I feel like I can’t handle anything.

Maybe I still have a chance to be somebody. Maybe I can at least try something again, just to feel what it’s like to pursue a dream.

-Matt