Immemorial Musing

Well, if you read my last post Time, then you’ll be happy to know that I did start rewatching one of my favorite shows after that post. It was just the first episode, but then today I randomly rewatched two movies back to back with my mom in our living room (The Greatest Showman is really good, just saying).

While watching The Greatest Showman, I got curious about the real life of P.T. Barnum and the events of the movie. I was very surprised to read that many major things about the movie are not accurate or even completely made up for the movie, and, on top of that, the movie is called a “heavily fictionalized depiction” of P.T. Barnum’s life.

I’m honestly not sure what I wanted to actually write about today, but I guess what actually caused me to sit back and watch a couple movies in the first place was that I didn’t feel like I had the energy to do my usual things today.

Wow that was a long sentence.

My brain kept going against itself with dramatic thoughts, and I was feeling really fatigued and unmotivated. And as I’m writing this, I have decided to make this probably the longest post on Immemorial Musing so far.

So now about these thoughts. It has been one of the biggest struggles of my life to, ironically, think about what I want to do with it. I don’t really want to do anything, I just want to be able to relax. My mind is such a minefield that I am always thinking or worrying about something. Any amount of pressure just feels like it weighs me down completely, so thinking about “what I want to do with my life” feels impossible.

Honestly, I have not really had any real aspirations for a long time. As a kid, I thought science was cool, but then I took AP chemistry in high school and that was immediately done with. College really sucked, I’m just leaving it at that for now. College could be an entire novel for me.

I have dreams. Dreams that aren’t “practical”, and at this point there’s really only one or maybe two that I’d even want to do anymore, but I just never actually pursued them. There has been multiple reasons for this for basically my whole life, the main reason being that I am a very reserved person. It is very, very difficult for me to show my truest most passionate self in real life, and these dreams of mine are things that are very close to my heart.

I’m realizing how much of a mess this post is, so I want to bring it back to today. Lately, I’ve just had this feeling of a complete lack of motivation. Energy fluctuates so much for me, as well as motivation. One day, it’ll be at 90%, and the next day, it’ll be all gone, 0%. These pile on to my own mind not knowing what I want or feel. Basically, today was a “0%” type of day. And rest days are always important, but at this point, it seems like that’s all I want: rest.

-Immemorial Musing