Immemorial Musing

I’ve always had this obsession with “being someone”.

Even as a kid, I would daydream about being on a stage and getting applause.

Still, I never really tried to make those dreams become reality. My natural work avoidance, that I’ve also had since I was a kid, made it seem even more impossible.

When I see other people succeed and grow, it brings out all of the negativity that I hate feeling. Jealousy, self-loathing, anger, worthlessness.

There are times when seeing someone succeed is inspiring, but even that good feeling eventually turns sour for me.

Actually I’ll give the context. This happened today when I saw Alysa Liu get her gold medal for figure skating.

It was so neat to see her win, along with hearing her story, but that feeling turned into a deep sadness. It quickly turned into a reminder that I won’t experience that kind of once-in-a-lifetime moment. Once that happens, then it spirals even further into the negative side. So even if I’m not negative in an angry way, it’ll become negative in a depressed way.

I don’t even know who I could become, let alone how to become someone.

I still want to be someone. I want those once-in-a-lifetime moments. I want them so bad that it makes everything else in my life feel worthless.

It hurts. It hurts to not be someone.

I’m just no one.

-Immemorial Musing