Immemorial Musing

It’s been a while again.

Every time I think of writing, I strangely end up blanking.

Then, when I do think of things to write, it’s not a good time to start writing, like if I’m with friends or even while I’m driving.

Things are getting complicated.

I’m going to be more transparent this time. I already have been transparent about mental health and struggles, but there’s a few more steps to it now.

I’m going to do a mental health diagnostic assessment this week.

After wanting to talk to professionals about myself and my mental health throughout my life, and finally doing that for a few years now, I’m finally taking another huge step that I’ve always wanted.

It’s strange, at least I feel like it sounds strange, that I’m so excited for this. There’s a certain anticipation of finally being able to associate something specifically with what I’ve struggled with for my whole life, especially my adult life.

I just want people to understand. It’s like I want to show them why things happened the way they did, and why I am the way that I am.

I have also been struggling in a new way. I have been focusing much more on the negatives of my mind lately, as I have been trying to find different terms and labels to help describe the way I think.

However, I think this is ironically having a negative impact on me.

Nihilism is one thing, as I have already written about it here, but there are other things that I have been trying to explore. But instead, when I explore them, I feel myself thinking “Is this really who I am? Am I really this way?”.

I don’t really want to explain these other things. Maybe in the future, but for now I need to get back to my roots and let my mind wander in a more natural way.

I’ll try to come back sooner with the kinds of writing that has been slipping my mind.

-Immemorial Musing