Immemorial Musing

This post is about sensitive topics with intense emotions, just as a warning.

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“I’m going to go.”

“I think im finally ready.”

“I’m going to leave this world.”

“I prayed constantly as a child that I could be happy, and that the people around me could change.”

“I ask the universe to give me a sign, at least hear me, do anything to change my mind, to give me any reason not to leave.”

“There’s no point. I’ve struggled for way too long for no one to understand me still. I wasn’t meant for this world, I’m not worth having life. There’s nothing else to do.”

I pictured it happening. I pictured it happening in multiple ways. … I thought about doing it.

It was one of the most severe suicidal thoughts I’ve ever had.

I’ve realized that the way of thinking that I’ve been stuck with for so long can be described with just one word, that being “nihilism”.

I wrote those beginning messages, the ones in quotes, as I was sitting still, almost motionless, for what felt like an hour.

Everything feels like pins sticking into a pin cushion. I can’t even figure out how to write the rest of this post. I feel like I just keep repeating that I’m not sure what to do anymore.

-Immemorial Musing