Immemorial Musing

This is something I wrote to share to people in my personal life, but it deserves to be shared here too.

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I’m tired of bottling everything in. I can’t be like everyone else and hold in all of my feelings. I’ve done it for far too long now, a decade too long at least. I’ve had this unfathomable need to share my innermost thoughts, and that’s what I’m going to do now. Most people don’t know the real me, even though most people don’t show their real selves either, so this is finally my attempt to share my story in detail.

I have had, and still have, so many mental troubles. I don’t even feel like a real person sometimes. Everything I do is surrounded by insecurities and fear, to the point where there’s no other thoughts anymore. I feel like I have the lowest confidence of everyone on earth.

There are times where you feel lost, or maybe even where it seems like you don’t have any direction to go at all. That’s how I have felt, more than not, throughout my whole life. Most things have just not felt right.

I never had “motivation”. I never wanted to do anything “practical”. I grew up just telling myself, with nothing in real life showing it, that something would just happen to me to let me do things that I actually like. Some “opportunity”. This was back in elementary school, not high school or college. As a child. I already knew what I didn’t want to do, and that was almost everything. For years, I just repeated it to myself as my only hope.

I’ve always had the fear of disappointment. It feels like almost everything I have done, and will do, is just “acting”, like I don’t want to actually do it, which leads to less effort than usual. I feel like this is just one of those things that other people actually feel but don’t say. However, I have always had voices in my head. Not a type of negative force, but the voices of people that I think are judging me. 

I feel like a ball of clay. I have just molded myself to whatever is needed, instead of defining myself to who I want to be. I’m not even sure what I’d define myself as now, as I often try to answer the question “who am I?” unsuccessfully.

I’ve hit rock bottom before. In fact, I’ve thought I was at rock bottom, and then sunk even lower. I’ve tried to get out of it, but I went back down. 

Thoughts of meaninglessness break into my head all the time, whether I’m alone or not. One of the worst feelings I have felt is getting into an existential crisis mentally while out with friends or family, not showing anything but a smile.

I’ve also always had negative dreams. My definition of a decent dream has become one where I don’t run away from something, get hurt, or even die.

I want to say, at this point, that I don’t want to be rescued or given some type of solution. All I have wanted for so long now is to be understood. I want to be seen as me, without the facades and masks I have worn throughout the years. I want to redefine myself, or maybe define myself for the first time.

This is also where I want to say that you should try to make yourself feel seen, as there is no way that this is just me. And, just as importantly, you should try to understand others.

With all of this said, I feel like if you’ve ever known me, you might not actually know me.

Like I said in the beginning, it has now been an actual decade of severe thoughts, but the roots that were planted have been there all my life.

I saved this part for last, as it is the most severe part of all of this. A decade ago, I did not see the point in anything anymore. For the first time, I saw reality as a speck of dust in the universe. Where I was heading is the opposite of where I wanted to be. Then, and other times since then, I did not want to live. I’ve felt like a shell of a person. I was just going through the motions. As a year would go by, I already wanted that year back. Now, as much as ever, I feel lost.

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-Immemorial Musing