Immemorial Musing

I don’t understand love.

To be clear and blunt, I don’t believe in it.

At least, I’m not sure if I believe in it or not.

There’s so much about the general topic of love that I’m overwhelmed by. Unfortunately, I also have very little faith in love.

I don’t know if I’ve ever experienced love. I would say this post is going to get personal and vulnerable for me, but that’s not new here in Immemorial Musing.

I always develop crushes. I had so many crushes growing up that it would take a while to get a good estimated number.

These crushes weren’t just for a day or week either. Through junior high and high school, I felt like I was emotionally hurting myself over dozens of crushes that I didn’t even pursue.

My actual relationships have not had a significant impact on my mindset either. If anything, I feel even more afraid of pursuing a relationship now.

All three of my relationships have been short, each only a few months, and my first two ended in devastation for me. My third relationship, now being 3 years ago, was such an emotional roller coaster and eventual train wreck that I’m considering being single forever.

I’m going to be honest. I always think about love and relationships, but this post right now is because my friends are teasing me about someone we know.

I just don’t feel good about relationships. I’m not sure if I should even try anything, even talking or texting.

A widely known expression is that you should love yourself before loving someone else. That phrase has been tormenting me throughout my adult life.

I do not love myself.

I’m not sure if that is even possible for me.

What am I supposed to do? Try to go for another relationship while I’m unsure about many things, potentially leading to very unpleasant feelings for both of us?

This derailed quite a bit, but the bottom line is that my observations of the concept of love throughout my life have not impacted me positively. In fact, I may clearly have many more negative feelings around love.

-Immemorial Musing