Immemorial Musing

This is my own space. I don’t care what anyone thinks of me here.

That being said, there is something that has been eating me alive for my entire adult part of my life, even longer than that actually.

In fact, it is my adult life.

I hate being an adult. I’m not even an adult. I have clawed and scraped with all of my life force to not be an adult.

I have hated life since I graduated high school. I actually woke up that day thinking “my life is over now.”

I feel like this is an extremely fast paced post, but I can’t go any other way for this.

My high school graduation, as of later this year, was ten years ago. Ten. It has been ten years since I lost total control of my mind.

This is the moment. That day was the moment that changed everything. I didn’t want to live anymore. I didn’t want to do anything else. I didn’t want to be an adult.

That year, I spiraled. The next year, I hit rock bottom. Lower and lower somehow, one year after another.

Why couldn’t I just do it?

I wasted my life.

I hate where I’m at now. I hate where I was for the past ten years.

I hate hearing stupid encouraging words from people. That doesn’t work. It never works.

I’m a problem with no solution.

All of my dreams, all of my passions, all of my wishes, they won’t happen.

The past hurts. Any part of it. All of it.

This sucks. I’d rather just erase everything and have nothing left.

The worst part is that no one knows this. My family doesn’t know most of this, no one does, and so much time has gone by now that no one will really care.

I’m just a blank page. I’m there, but with no value.

I can’t work. I just can’t. It’s not just about effort, and it’s not just about not wanting to. I’m inferior. I can’t even handle the thought of having to talk to others about work.

Why are we even here?

…

I can’t keep going right now. I need to cut this off here.

-Immemorial Musing