Immemorial Musing

I didn’t get out of bed all day. I didn’t see a reason to.

Because of this, I’ve been out of my room since I finally got up, so I’m finding myself here with more time than usual to write. So, this is going to be a long post, the kind of long post I’ve wanted to make so many times.

I was going to put how my day went at the end, but I’ll say it first. I stayed in bed all day feeling a sort of absolute dread. There wasn’t one specific feeling for it, but it did feel like I just didn’t want to do anything at all, even if it could be fun. It wasn’t until around 8 pm that I dozed off, and then until 9:30 pm that I woke up without this immediate dread finally. I got up and finally ate, I hadn’t eaten or drank anything all day. So much went through my mind in bed.

I can’t take it anymore. I have so much anxiety, so much anger, so much sadness, I don’t know what to do anymore.

My negative thoughts are growing stronger. For a while, I thought that they may actually be getting manageable. Recently however, I have been so wrong about that.

I feel like a disappointment. I’m sure everyone judges themselves harshly at some point in their lives, but my self-criticism is more intense than ever.

I’ve been going through my mind about things lately, and I think I’ve actually been this way forever. Not just the self-criticism, which I actually have had since I was a kid, but also another feeling I think I’ve talked about here at some point.

(As a side note, I’m starting to not remember what exactly I have or have not talked about here in Immemorial Musing. It’s more of a funny thought, I’m not bothered by it or anything, as I’ll continue to say whatever I’m thinking even if I have before.)

This other feeling I have had forever is that I don’t care at all for the work in between an idea and completion. It sounds obvious, as in who actually wants to specifically do work. But what I also mean is that I’ve almost never had the drive or motivation to put in the actual work for things, even the things that I’m really passionate about.

I’m starting to wonder if I really am just not meant for life. I’ve thought this for almost a decade now, and it gets more and more apparent in my mind every year. There’s just something in my mind that doesn’t see the point in this, in anything. It could be depression, which I have had for this amount of time. But I’m not sure if these two things coincide actually, since I’ve had a lack of motivation for much longer.

I never really had a “practical” dream. As a very young child, I thought science was really cool. I wasn’t bad at math, and even did well in pretty much every subject. It wasn’t until high school that I started to realize things about myself. The main thing was that…science really sucks.

I still love science so much, but what happened is that I realized how much work and time goes into it. This alone turned me away from science as a whole, and I was completely lost. I didn’t really have a plan for my life, even before this, so I was just trying to do my best in school and go from there. My grades were still good, but my AP classes were brutal and not as good.

During high school, I also went into engineering. I had a freshman engineering class that was cool, and the second semester was robotics with those little LEGO kind of robots with big main batteries. The next year, I went into my high school’s engineering team, and that was dreadful. This was one of the standout times that made me feel unconfident. I didn’t really do anything besides clean up stuff and solder a wire or two sometimes. The most specific and significant time I had anxiety was when I was asked to get a quote for a part from a manufacturer. I have always had phone anxiety, so this was something I felt I couldn’t do no matter what. I’m pretty sure I didn’t do it for a month, and now I don’t even remember what happened in the end.

After that year, I left that engineering team. Aside from the inferior feelings I had, it was also a big time investment, and I was also playing on the high school basketball team. I was glad to not be in it anymore though, but I still didn’t know what I wanted to do.

The rest of high school was good, I started a second sport with track and I absolutely loved it. I joined my third year, and I had no running experience besides basketball. When I tried out, I was immediately thrown into the middle distance team. I had so much anxiety at the start of races, but I felt so praised and appreciated. I was a part of the 4×400 relay, which is the last event of our high school track meets, and that felt incredible. I really did feel good in track, I miss those times more than anything.

High school graduation was the worst thing ever. I woke up thinking “this is the end”, and that thought stayed the entire day. I never looked forward to adulthood, and this was it. I knew that I wasn’t going to be doing anything I’d enjoy, since I couldn’t even think of anything I wanted to do still.

I had so many regrets. Not regrets of things I did, but regrets of what I didn’t do. I immediately felt them that day, and now I couldn’t go back. I still think of some of those high school regrets to this day.

And this was the turning point, or in other words, the drop-off. My mental health collapsed, I was still just going through the motions in classes, and I didn’t feel comfortable with anyone since I wasn’t with anyone from high school and I was in the dorms.

There was even a lot of stress before college, in the summer between high school and college. First, I tried to go to my brother’s college, but I wasn’t accepted when I applied at the end of high school. But, I wasn’t rejected either. I was in this weird in-between situation where I was allowed into the student portal for some reason, and I was even trying to be dorm roommates with someone from high school. But as time went on, nothing changed, and my high school friend was getting concerned. Eventually, the college officially sent a rejection email, and to this day I still hate that college.

One of the biggest what-ifs of my life is if I went to that college. I wonder if everything would’ve been different, and if things would have been better or worse.

The other stressful thing that happened that summer though was with the school I went to. So now I was officially going to my college and I was in the waitlist for the dorms because of the time for my last dorm situation. I was all set to most likely be put in a two person dorm and I was calling regularly to check the waitlist line. However, one day when I called them, they were past my waitlist number. Long story short after that, I did get into the dorms, but into a three person room instead. These rooms were the same size, but had bunk beds instead, with the bed I picked having the bottom half as a desk, which I did like.

I didn’t realize I was writing my life story but here we are. So because I moved into the dorms late, somehow everyone got to know each other with some sort of roommate meeting night I missed.

Actually, I’m going to stop this detailed “life story” part here because it’s getting late and I want to post this tonight.

Basically, I had a very lonely first college semester. After that, I started to have friends both in the dorms and at the gym playing basketball, but things like my overarching depression, and also my first relationship and breakup after my second semester, littered my first year of college with bad memories. And things escalated from then on.

I don’t know what I want. At this point, I’m not sure if I even want the dreams I used to have anymore. All I could think in bed today was “Do I want nothing? Not that I don’t want anything, that I actually just want to do nothing forever now?”

Right now it’s 3:40 am and I started writing this at 1:10 am, though obviously on and off, so I’m going to stop here. I’m sure that I’ll continue my life story at some point, but this was a good start and easily my longest post here so far.

–Immemorial Musing