Immemorial Musing

I have put on many hats in my life.

That is a phrase that is true for me, or at least it was. Now, it feels like it has had a lasting effect on me.

Through childhood and my teenage years, I was a part of many different activities. I played sports, I was in an extracurricular or two, and I even participated in our church (just saying: I would not currently consider myself very religious).

As I was growing up, these “hats” felt like they were me. That is what I am, an athlete, a club member, etcetera. Everything I did took up so much of my life that these things felt synonymous with myself.

(I guess I’m potentially spoiling how old I am but oh well.)

Since those years, a massive struggle that I have in my life is figuring out what, or even who, I am. Everything that I tried studying did not feel right, I did not put myself out there and try to join clubs independently, and I felt stuck.

And now, in the present day, I have been reflecting on this feeling and what to even do about it. My mindscape has created this image for myself, and that is what all of this has led to.

I feel like I am clay.

I feel like I have just been molded in various ways and amounts throughout my life, and, at the same time, nothing stayed in the way I molded to.

In this phase of my life, I feel like a ball of clay, back to a regular ball, all of the “hats” I put on are gone, and I don’t have the ability to mold myself.

Who knows, maybe this blog is a way to mold myself into something, and maybe it can grow into something more than just clay.

-Immemorial Musing