Immemorial Musing

August 19, 2023. 3:26 AM.
I can’t describe how I’m feeling. It feels like my mind is bursting out with streams of colors and thoughts and music and images and worlds and from all sides, and it’s trying to be held together by a string. And at any moment, it will burst, and everything will flow out, and my mind won’t be the same after. I don’t feel ok in this life. I don’t feel ok in this world, in this existence. I need more. Not even more, I need something different. This world is not for me, this existence is not for me. I’m someone else. I’m not from here. I can’t be. There are too many emotions, too many dreams, too many images in my mind. But nothing happens. I feel like I’m losing my grip on reality. My emotions are too strong. They’re not from here. They’re me, but I’m not “me”. I feel it in my chest. I’m not me. This isn’t me. This body isn’t me. What everyone sees isn’t me. What everyone hears isn’t me. What everyone thinks I am isn’t me. Nothing has mattered, and nothing will ever matter. I’m not going to ever feel satisfied with life, I’m not going to feel the emotions that I want to feel. That I need to feel. It’s all just empty. Days, months, years. They’re empty. I’m not one of them. I don’t belong here. Everything I want, everything I crave, everything I need. It’s not possible. It’ll never happen. No one will ever know.

-Immemorial Musing